Talking to children after a mass shooting is a difficult and sensitive task for a parent or caregiver. It’s hard to know what to say when you’re also dealing with your own feelings. Here are some helpful ways to talk with children in the wake of a mass shooting, being mindful that conversations should be tailored to the child’s age.
Talking to Elementary School Children
Respect the child’s need for time and space if they aren’t ready to talk. Let them know you are available when they are ready, and continue to monitor their behavior. Consider the following:
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- Talk to the child away from others in a calm, safe place like their bedroom.
- Engage them in a positive activity they enjoy immediately after the discussion (e.g., a board game, a craft, or cooking together).
- Be mindful of what they know. For young children, avoid being too specific or detailed. For older elementary school children, let them take the lead by asking questions, as they are likely aware of events from friends and social media.
Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings
It’s natural for children to have a range of feelings. Your role is to acknowledge and validate what they are going through.
- Let them know it’s okay to feel sad or scared.
- Repeat back the feelings they’ve shared: “It’s normal to feel scared. What’s happening is scary.”
- For pre-K or kindergarten children who struggle to express feelings, help them by suggesting emotions like “sad,” “hurt,” or “scared.”
- Use art or play—ask them to draw a picture of how they feel, or describe how a beloved toy might be feeling.
- Share your own feelings in an age-appropriate way to model healthy emotion; avoid oversharing.
Offer Reassurance, Educate, and Empower
Your reassurance is vital to soothing a child’s fears. Tell them:
- Their school has a safety plan. You can contact the school yourself to discuss how they are addressing safety.
- Adults at home and school are always ready to protect them.
- About “helpers.” As Mr. Rogers said, “Look for the helpers. There will always be helpers.
- What they already know about safety at school and at home to reinforce a sense of safety and encourage confidence.
- If you don’t have an answer, you will get it.
Take Action
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- Limit children’s intake of the news. Consuming media around traumatic events can create secondary trauma.
- Seek additional help from a licensed mental health professional if needed. A school counselor, pediatrician, or insurance provider can help find resources.
- Encourage children to:
- Pay attention during all safety drills.
- Ask questions for clarification and reassurance.
- Be a friend to their friends at school.
- Express themselves through letters, pictures, or dance.
- Spend time with loved ones who make them feel safe.
- Read books that address fears and coping, such as:
- Grief Is An Elephant, by Tamara Ellis Smith (ages 3-5)
- Ruby Finds a Worry, by Tom Percival (ages 4-7)
- One Thursday Afternoon, by Barbara DiLorenzo (ages 5-7)
- Not Like Every Day, by Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic (ages 4-8)
- Puppy in my Head: A Book about Mindfulness, by Elise Gravel (ages 4-8)
- The Breaking News, by Sara Lynne Reul (ages 4-8)
- The Tunnel, by Sarah Howden (ages 4-8)
- Something Happened in our Park: Standing Together After Gun Violence, by Ann Hazzard, Marianne Celano and Marietta Collins (ages 5-9)
- What to Do When the News Scares You: A Kid’s Guide to Understanding Current Events, by Jacqueline B. Toner (ages 6-12)
- Healing Days: A Guide for Kids Who Have Experienced Trauma, by Susan Farber Straus, PhD (ages 8-11)
Talking to Middle- and High-School-Aged Children
If you are talking to a middle- or high-schooler, assume they already know about the event from social media, friends, or television. Begin by asking them what they know and how they feel, and practice being an attentive listener.
Tweens and teens have big emotions. The best thing you can do is let them talk through them without judgment. If they are reluctant to share, check in with them daily to remind them you are always available.
Model Healthy Emotions and Coping Skills
Sharing your own feelings helps validate what they may be feeling. If you are emotionally overwhelmed, seek support for yourself first so you can approach the child from a place of emotional calm. Let them know all their feelings—from anger to sadness—are okay.
Offer Reassurance and Be Realistic
Focus on the things within your control and their control, such as:
- Telling a trusted adult about something concerning at school.
- Being aware of surroundings and protocols for school lockdowns and safety plans at home.
- Practicing self-care and maintaining connection with friends and family.
Tweens and teens may question authority or feel unsafe. Be prepared to address their sense of injustice and fear. Listen and discuss as much as they want to, but resist the urge to over discuss. Give them time and space to process and let them know you’re there for them any time.
Consider Action and Education
Adolescents already run high on emotion. Helping them connect with calm is one way to mitigate the stress of violence. Suggest calming through self-soothing habits like art, music, meditation, exercise, journaling, or reading.
If a child is moved to do something, guide them toward an advocacy path like volunteering, writing letters, or learning more about an issue. Helping them channel their feelings into meaningful action can be powerful. Also consider these steps:
- Suggest they limit news intake, especially if it causes agitation.
- Recommend they pay attention to peers’ emotional health and encourage them to tell a trusted adult if they have concerns.
- Share and discuss age-appropriate books that explore school and community violence more in depth, such as:
- Lockdown: Talking to Your Kids About School Violence, by Nancy Kislin, LCSW
- Some Kind of Happiness, by Claire LeGrand
If you or your child would like to explore support with a mental health professional, Foresight’s providers have a range of experience in child, adolescent, and adult therapy. Get started today.
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